Jesus Christ, Santa Claus & the Magic Panda!
A Fairy-Tale by Suzanne MacNevin.
Have you ever heard the story of Jesus Christ, Santa Claus & the Magic Panda?
No? Well sit down and I will tell you the tale!
You're already sitting? No kidding, I guess the Magic Panda was right. He told me you'd be sitting down already!
Once upon a time Jesus Christ was walking along and he saw a star fall out of sky. He ran after the star, thinking the star might be hurt.
When he found it however, he saw it wasn't a star at all! It was an old fat man named Santa Claus!
Santa Claus was bleeding and his suit was all red!
Jesus helped Santa to his feet and asked "Are you okay?"
"Ho ho ow ow ow!" cried Santa, balling up his hands and crying. He took off his white hat and wiped his bloody nose on it. Now even his hat was red! "No! I'm not okay! I just found out that god doesn't exist! My reindeer all laughed at me and told me 'You old fool! There's no god!' and then they flew off and I fell out of my magic sled because I was in shock and dismay!"
"What!" cried Jesus. "What do you mean there's no god? Of course there is a god! I am his son!"
"Really?" asked Santa and he stopped crying. He looked at the skinny Jesus with his scraggly beard. "You don't look like the son of a god, are you sure?"
"Oh yes! I was eating some wild berries and I had a vision of an angel, and the angel told me I was the son of god!"
"Are you sure the berries weren't bad?" asked the skeptical Santa.
"No, I'm sure because I asked my mother later and after I bugged her again and again, she finally admitted I was the son of god. She had an immaculate conception!" boasted Jesus.
"An immaculate what?" asked Santa.
"An immaculate conception! You see god came down from heaven, turned into a magical mist and shagged my mother while she was sleeping."
"God shagged your mother?" asked Santa, incredulous.
"Yep! And thats why she had me and was still a virgin!"
"How do you know your mother didn't just lie?" demanded Santa.
"Are you calling my mother a liar?!" shouted Jesus, suddenly becoming angry and punched Santa twice in the nose until his nose turned red and started to bleed again.
"Arg! Stop hitting me! I'm just saying that as nice your mother is, she could have just lied so you would stop bugging her!" cried Santa, grabbing his hat again and using it catch all the blood.
"Hmm..." thought Jesus. "You might be right. I did bug her for 40 days and 40 nights... after losing all that sleep, she might have lied."
"So who is your real father if she did lie?" asked Santa.
"Joseph I guess. Except that can't be because my mother was a virgin when she and him got married. And god then beat Joseph to her, and shagged her before Joseph got a chance."
"What would have happened if someone else had shagged her before Joseph?" asked Santa, curious.
"Oh, she would have been stoned to death. They might even have called her a witch and burned her for witchcraft."
"Or maybe they could have fed her to elves?" suggested Santa.
"Fed her to the elves?"
"Oh yes! Elves are mean little fellas with pointy ears and they like to play pranks on people! I know quite a few elves myself, I keep them locked in a dungeon where they make toys for me," explained Santa.
"And what do you do with the toys?" asked Jesus.
"Once per year, every december I fly around the world and deliver them to children that are good."
"Wow, that must be a lot of kids! How many children do you deliver to?"
"Just three. The rest are all little monsters! The parents all lie to them and buy them gifts anyway!" growled Santa. Then he shrugged. "I do make a lot of money off selling the toys however. The elves work for free."
"Wow!" cried Jesus and sat down, looking very thoughtful. "But why do you deliver the toys in the first place?"
"Because a clock fell on my head years ago and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've been doing that ever since."
"But why in december?" asked Jesus.
"I don't know. I guess people like buying gifts that time of the year. It is the Yuletide."
"Oh you mean that old pagan belief about bring a yule log to a friends house in order to burn it and keep the place warm?"
"Yep!" said Santa. "That old pagan belief is really profitable these days!"
Jesus sighed. "My birthday is in March, but a lot of friends keep thinking its in December. Lazy bastards only give me yuletide presents in December and completely ignore my real birthday!"
"So god shagged your mother and then you were born sometime in March?" asked Santa.
"Yes, but now that I've starting thinking about it, that doesn't make sense. Why would god sneak into my mother's room and shag her? Isn't that something an incubus would do?"
"Hmm..." thought Santa. "Yes, incubi are known to do that. Incubi are supposed to be fallen angels however, and if god doesn't exist then angels don't exist!"
"And yet your little elves exist?" asked Jesus, suddenly curious.
Santa shook his head. "Sorry, I made that up to keep a secret. I buy the gifts at Walmart. I'm a complete phoney!"
"So what creatures do exist?" asked Jesus. "Magic reindeer?"
"That was made up by the Swedish people, I borrowed it from them," admitted Santa.
"What about vampires?" asked Jesus.
"Thats a gypsy myth about a tribe of cannibals that got out of control."
"Don't make me laugh! Thats from a nursery rhyme."
"The flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz?"
"Made up by some guy in the United States."
"Based on bones of dinosaurs that someone dug up and they invented legends to explain the bones."
"Go watch an 1970s hollywood movie sometime. Cheesy effects."
"Ripped off from Sumerian legends about flying air spirits."
"Originally a religion that worshipped a bird goddess named Lilith in Mesopotamia, but was later changed by a group of people who worshipped a different god."
"Greek myth to explain why women got pregnant and why we have rapists in society. According to the greeks, all rapists are the sons of incubi."
"Oh those do exist, but when you meet one, they really aren't that exciting!" laughed Santa.
"What about leprechauns?"
"Invented by greedy Irish people who needed something to scare their children with."
"German myth about a guy who lives in the woods with really long fingernails. Again, it was just to scare children."
"What about the devil?"
"Hmm..." thought Santa. "I don't know. If the devil exists, then he too is a fallen angel, which means god does exist."
"Have you ever seen any proof that the devil exists?"
"Asides from people saying 'the devil made me do it'? Nope, nothing." Santa seemed rather sad.
"The world almost seemed like a happier place when we thought these things all existed," admitted Jesus, also sad. What about Eden?"
"If it does, we're already there."
"The Land of Oz?"
"Again with that American? Don't you know Americans are full of shit?"
"Especially Nixon," agreed Jesus.
"Yes," said Santa. "Although Bush is catching up to him."
"I know!" cried Jesus. "The Magic Panda! He exists! He has to!"
"The Magic Panda?" asked Santa. "I've never heard of him!"
"Yes, the Magic Panda! And to prove it, lets go for a walk and find him!" declared Jesus.
So Jesus Christ and Santa Claus stood up and went for a walk.
They walked across Palestine, and they found no Magic Panda.
They walked across Egypt, and they found no Magic Panda.
They walked across Africa, and they found no Magic Panda.
They swam over to America, and they found no Magic Panda.
They swam over to Japan, and they found no Magic Panda.
They swam over to China, and they found several pandas, but no Magic Panda.
Finally in Tibet, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ sat down to have smoke break and share a doobie with some Tibetan monks.
It was while they were high on doobie-smoke that Santa claus, Jesus Christ and a bunch of monks finally saw the Magic Panda.
He was big and fat and rather purple looking.
The magic Panda walked by them and Jesus looked at Santa and said: "Haha, I told you so! The Magic Panda does exist!"
Santa laughed and giggled and said "Okay Jesus, you were right, but what do we do now?"
Jesus shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really want to worship a Magic Panda however."
The monk next to them giggled. "Why worship anything at all? Nothing exists."
Santa and Jesus looked at the monk and laughed like only a pair of stoned idiots could. "You're right monk! Nothing exists! I guess we should stay here and worship nothingness instead?"
"Only if you feel like it," said the monk and passed the doobie to them.
Jesus took a long drag, coughed and passed it to Santa. "I think I've finally figured out why people like religion. They have nothing else to believe in and are usually high and stupid all the time."
Santa giggled and passed the doobie to another monk. "So now we're just plain high. I don't know about you, but I'm going back to Florida and I'm going to get rich off selling Christmas presents."
"You live in Florida?" asked Jesus. "I thought you lived in the North Pole."
"No such pole and its too cold in northern Canada. Besides, Disneyland is just down the street from my place," said Santa, feeling kind of happy and stood up. "Well, I'm off to Florida to make money off of gullible Americans! See you later!"
Jesus laughed and waved good-bye. He took one last puff on a doobie and passed it to a monk.
"Where are you going?" asked the monk as Jesus stood up.
"I'm going back to Palestine to start a cult that preaches love and tolerance!" declared Jesus. "I figure if I can do some parlour tricks like walking on water, maybe I can get people to follow me around like crazy and give me money."
"Thats not a very nice thing to do. Messing with peoples minds and their religion is risky business. They might kill you for it," said the monk.
Jesus shrugged. "I admit its not nice, but sooner or later people will realize this religion thing is a big hoax. Its no more real than elves, goblins, leprechauns and vampires. If they're that stupid and gullible, thats not my problem."
The monk threw away the doobie. "Why not stay here and meditate on the beauty of life around you?"
"No thanks. Beauty is an illusion just like religion is. Its an illusion for stupid people who can't think for themselves. They can't see the reality around them. This world is a harsh place full of corruption. By making a group of gullible people think there really is a god, maybe then they will be nicer people."
The monk sighed, a bit sad and amused at the same time.
Jesus laughed. "Religion is a joke. If people want to believe in angels, devils, fairies and elves then they should go read Lord of the Rings or some such nonsense."
"There is many books of fairy tales out there," said the monk, very thoughtful.
"Yes, but I think the world needs one even better..." said Jesus.
And so Jesus sat back down and told the monk of his plan to go around telling fairy tales of a god who didn't exist. And later a bunch of "Christians" sat down 400 years later and wrote a book containing all of these fairy tales. They called it "the Bible". And to this day it has been the top-selling book in world history. It is a magical mystical story about a god, lots of animals, adam and eve, jesus christ and many other wonderful stories that roughly 500 million people in the world actually believe is real.
Meanwhile, the planet has 6 billion people and the vast majority of them are Buddhist.
After that is Islam. The second largest religion.
"Christianity" is one of the world's smaller religions and contains many skeptics because the religion is filled with lies about Santa Claus and other such fairy-tale garbage. Christianity often claims to be "superior" to other religions, but only because its worshippers are also the most stupid/gullible and uneducated about what happens in the rest of the world.
So go worship a god if you want to.
You must be stoned from smoking too much.
Maybe there's something in the water that makes you gullible.
Could it be the alcohol that they pass out in church?
What kind of religion would say "thou shalt not lie!" when the religion itself is the biggest lie of all.
Santa Claus my ass!
He and Jesus Christ (and god) are no more as real as the Magic Panda.
I hope you enjoyed reading this story. I hope it made you think about the nature of reality and the world around you. Our world is filled with poverty and we give money to churches. We should be giving money to schools and educating people instead. Religion blinds people. An education opens their mind to their reality.
Sadly many people would rather believe in a fairy-tale than face reality.
Even a small portion of the money the world spends on churches would solve all the world's poverty problems.
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